


Holiday Cheer with some Holiday Tears

by greenaway_lewis



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Gen, Happy Ending, Mild Angst, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:26:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenaway_lewis/pseuds/greenaway_lewis
Summary: It’s Spencer’s first Christmas after Elle leaves and he’s not too keen on the holiday.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Holiday Cheer with some Holiday Tears

It’s December now which means that every thing that can, screams Christmas at the tops of its lungs. Every building has a wreath or a tinsel covering it. Red, green, and white are the colors that the public has filled their paintbrushes with. You feel suffocated by it all, like someone has stuffed you inside a Christmas tree and decided that you needed to support it. You cannot leave your post or it will fall and you will once again be the laughingstock of the community. The chilly Virginia air nips at your neck so you pull your scarf closer to you. It’s purple, a contrast to the colors around you, it does not match but neither do you or your socks. The fabric is soft against your skin like you wish all clothing was. The ugly sweaters you get as gifts from the team make your skin feel likes it’s been set ablaze. You don’t see the appeal of a llama wearing a Santa hat. There is no correlation between the two yet Garcia finds it amusing so you wear it anyways. There’s Christmas music playing and you think that if you have to hear ‘all I want for Christmas is you’ one more time you’ll lose your sanity. Yet another reason to hate Christmas.

When you were younger, naivety running stronger in your veins than it is now, you did not carry the same opinions which now get you labeled a Scrooge. You liked the picture perfect Christmas for a picture perfect family who has fun traditions and enough money to afford gifts. This was not your family. Mom did not like Christmas, said it was the government’s way of making sure we were all inside, so they could replace the cameras that they kept in the birds. William did not see the point of corralling your mother into traditions and trying to buy you gifts you would not like. The kids at school always talked about what they were going to go over break. You knew that your plans would be very different. Instead of celebrating like most families, books were Christmas at the Reid house. Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’ was one you had a particular fondness for. If you could pretend you were in a book, having the perfect time in a winter wonderland, maybe the pang of melancholy would dissipate.

It didn’t 

Your heels slam against the cobblestone as you try to walk faster than the people surrounding you. Like if you walk fast enough you can escape the crowd with their happy faces because _it’s snowing_ now. Snow is simply nature’s way of ensuring that the hydrologic cycle maintains its self in the winter. It is not magic from the sky, it does not fulfill wishes. If it did your mother would have remembered you more days than she didn’t. If it did Ethan would never have left. If it did, Elle would still be here, and she wouldn’t be a criminal. If it did, you would be _happy_ If, if, if.

Not.

When you enter the bullpen you wonder why you were so desperate to escape the decorations of the outside world. It’s clear Hotch let Garcia decorate to her hearts content. Every door was wrapped in wrapping paper like if you opened it there would be a gift instead of pictures of dead girls. The staircase is decorated in red tinsel,a reminder of the blood that spills under the watch of the members of this team. You’re pretty sure that wasn’t intentional but your mind never has been normal. There’s a Christmas tree off to the side. Golden ornaments adorn it, and it is everything you would have wanted when you were young. But you aren’t so young anymore and instead of making you jump for joy you want to scream in agony. 

Christmas is for people who are happy, it is for people with family. You have neither. It is not a holiday for you and you wish it would stop being thrown in your face.

Months ago, Elle told you that on Christmas she would take you to see the sights of New York. Said that JJ surely wouldn’t give you as good of a tour like a New York native could. Said she’d show you the hidden gems, that Christmas could be fun again. For both of you. Elle said she’d be here with you but she also said she killed that man in self-defense. You guess both were lies. 

She’s not here anymore but, god you wish she was. You don’t believe in god, there is no scientific explanation for Him or heaven. You know for certain there is no afterlife, no white light. Sometimes you wish you believed in religion, to be able to pray to a god, to have false hope that someone will take your problems and fix them for you. If you believed in god you would pray for Elle. For her safety, her good health, and for her return.

You’ve known her only for a year and yet her absence cuts you like a knife. If William plunged the knife, Ethan twisted it, and Elle pulled it out. You can’t help but revel in the similarities of Elle’s and Ethan’s names. Maybe it was fate for them to love you and leave you. Maybe it was written in the stars above you, for you to always have to ask why you are alone. For people to leave you. The stars are the reason for your misfortune and who you seek out for answers. _why why why_

As you make your way to your desk you notice a pot of red flowers. They are not poinsettias, you wonder what is the purpose of holiday flowers that are not the right holiday flower. Flowers speak in a language few understand. It is not poisoned by feelings. It is pure and simple and complex, as all things should be. The flowers on your desk scream _wrong_ , just like you. The peculiar always fascinated you, you liked being different almost as much as you hated it. These flowers though, they had a chance to be normal, to make sense, to be perfect. Instead, just like you, they are wrong, and they are going to be tossed aside before they die.

You move the flowers over to another desk where maybe they can be appreciated. You start on the pile of paperwork. It looks smaller than it used to, Elle used to slip her paperwork into your pile. You won’t miss doing extra work like you miss her. Although, now it could be used as a distraction from the holly cheer that seems to radiate from everyone but has disappeared from your brain. 

You hear the tell-tale clicking of Garcia’s heels before you see her. She has a smile plastered on her face that lights up the office. ~~Your desk is still dark~~. She calls you boy genius like that will bring back the smile that Elle took. She asks if you like the flowers and you consider lying, you do, _yes_. She does not seem to believe you so you ask her why she bought flowers that aren’t poinsettias. Especially if the rest of the office was going to be decorated like an elf threw up on it. The last part was just for you though. Apparently her florist ran out of the appropriate flower just in time for you to have to stare at them in all their failure. You suppose it isn’t their fault they are not _right_ , however so much is wrong it feels right to place all your burdens on them. Maybe their petals will fall with the weight of it all, just like you do. 

Good. 

You’re off your game so to speak, although that implies you were ever on your game. Life’s a game and you are not it’s victor, you are it’s punching bag, hanging in the closet until it’s time to be useful. Everyone can see that the Christmas spirit is not in your spirit, you wonder what Elle would have to say about it. About all of this. The decorations, the music, the way your smile doesn’t quite meet your eyes, and how the room somehow smells like peppermint. Maybe she’d crack a joke and the air would feel ever so slightly lighter, you miss her like the friend you’ve always wanted and the sister you never got to have. 

Morgan does not seem pleased with your behavior. He is able to see right through you like your mother could on her ‘on’ days, it’s unsettling in its comfortable intimacy. He pulls you aside and asks what your deal is. You tell him the truth, you have no reason to lie to him especially. The name Elle falls out of your mouth in a whisper. You tell him all about how much you miss her, and about her empty promises about a Christmas season filled with family. About how she didn’t say goodbye and you worry about her at night but there’s no way to quell them. He looks at you sadly and you regret telling him this. 

“I miss her too kid, but she’s gone. You can’t blame the ghost of your friend for her disappearance. It sucks, it does, I won’t deny it, I wish she was here to egg on Gideon or throw paper airplanes at me but she isn’t. And it’s probably gonna happen again, I’m sorry it’s just the truth. But for now? Now you have me and you have Garcia and you have JJ, and we’re going to go hang lights in the briefing room and you’re going to do it with us. Make new memories with us kid.”

You think about how Morgan teases you and how Garcia brings you cookies of every kind and you think that maybe they too are the friends you’ve always wanted but never had. You’ll never forget Elle, how could you, but instead you’ll make a place for her in her mind where she is safe and her voice can linger in your head when you’re about to do something stupid. Holidays always have been for families, but maybe you’ve found yours. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely not my best work but I hope someone liked it. Remember to drink water, ily!!


End file.
